We looked at the star charts, consulted various chakras and downloaded a bunch of apps under the “science” category on the App Store to get you the best average horoscope for this most important upcoming week of love (Promise Day, Rose Day, Teddy Day, Valentine’s Day all included).
Aries (Mar 21- Apr 20)
As pioneers of the zodiac, you have fiery zeal and unending optimism but do you have a date this week? (And tbh, can you even call it that without scaring off the other person?) This week is filled with ups and downs like an Instagram scroll—be careful of liking an ex’s photo from 2015, the stars warn. Otherwise you’re ruled by the sign of the Ram which is mad popular in India right now, so you’re safe. And if you were born on 20 April like comedian Varun Thakur and the founder of DeadAnt, take solace in the fact that 4/20 is a whole month this year. If that isn’t very pretty funtastic, maybe you need to lower your standards. Especially for Valentine’s week.
Zodiac comrads: Varun Thakur, Ashish Shakya, Aravind SA
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Ashish Shakya’s ‘Life is Good’
Taurus (Apr 21 – May 20)
Bull is not beef. Restaurants in India need to find another way to fool us. Speaking of restaurants, the stars suggest you’re going to end up at one on Thursday. Taureans (Taurans? Tauruses? Taurii?) will pretend all over again that they have no idea what they did to deserve the overpriced meal they may have split the bill for (because feminism) or pay for in full (because lolllll wage inequality)–there’s no way to tell beforehand. Find seats in the front row of a comedy show, because this too will end in a fight, and only a comedian picking on both of you equally can ease the pain. Don’t worry, if you still feel wronged after, there are plenty of protests to show up at this week where you can channel your rage and deep-breathe through a more urgent revolution.
Zodiac comraade: Rahul Subramanian, Sapan Verma, Abhishek Upmanyu
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Rahul Subramanian’s ‘Kal Main Udega’.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
Consistency gayi bhaad mein, Geminis. This is your week! Not only are all your multiple personalities super acceptable socially till Sunday, this is the one time where people will actually believe it’s not you, it’s them. Ghost, orbit, bench, and breadcrumb your lovers. Quote generously from that book that insists humans aren’t wired for monogamy. Remind them of all your commitment issues. Hint at childhood trauma, but be infuriatingly vague about the details. Pyaar ek dhoka hai, and everyone’s expecting you to bring your A-game this week.
Zodiac comrides: Vir Das, Kautuk Srivastava
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Vir Das For India, a different kinda love story.
Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
Are you crabby all the time? Do puns give you a nosebleed? Then Valentine’s Week is gonna do your head in for sure. This sensitive, intuitive birth sign has a tough week coming up as they navigate the conflict between brands telling them love is everything—here, have two McAloo Tikkis for the price of one—and their friends moaning loudly about how it’s all damn gross, ewww, whatever (love, not the McAloos). Lay low this week, read everything comedians have to say about love, and let it pass. Karde mushkil jeena? Ishq kameena.
Zodiac comrud: Mallika Dua, Tanmay Bhat
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Neville Shah’s ‘Going Downhill‘
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
As much as you’d like to be king of the love jungle, your inherently intractable nature (rawr) makes it impossible for significant others to keep up. But how significant are others anyway, amirite? Brush up on your TEDTalks, load up on inspirational quotes and repeat after me: Live, Laugh, SelfLove. That’s right, this week is your oyster. Don’t text them back, don’t return that call, don’t follow up on that plan you made; sip your protein shake and swipe left on everyone. You do you, champ. Just remember to lock the door.
Zodiac covfefe: Daniel Fernandes, Zakir Khan, Sumaira Shaikh
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy specials you can watch instead: ‘Shadows’ by Daniel Fernandes and Zakir Khan’s ‘Haq Se Single’.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Virgos tend to wear their emotional scars like badges of honour, and this week you might need an extra jacket to pin them on. Modest and shy, Virgos can be relied on this week to short circuit without warning. Because as the Prashasti Vedas state, jab tak self-worth ki dhajjiyan na udd jayein, toh kahan se aayegi feels? You are advised this week to resist the urge to… do anything except align your chakras, eat a rose quartz and stay far away from anything Karan Johar has touched.
Zodiac conrades: Sorabh Pant, Urooj Ashfaq, Kusha Kapila
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Sorabh Pant’s ‘Make India Great Again’
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Oh you flirty thing, you. Yes, you’re single, but how many people think they’re in a relationship with you? Because this week the stars predict you’re going to be breaking up with people you didn’t even know you were dating. But don’t let that faze you, Librans. Maintain your diplomatic stance and insist on being friends because you don’t want to lose them. Especially when it’s 2 am, that whiskey sour’s kicking in, and you’re wondering if you can be put on a no-fly list for being a Nutella girl.
Zodiac cumrades: Sumukhi Suresh, Kunal Kamra, Kunal Rao, Aadar Malik
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Sumukhi Suresh’s ‘Don’t Tell Amma’.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Known for their jealousy and possessiveness, Scorpios have been long-time proponents of the ancient-Spice Girls *terms and conditions* clause: ‘If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get rid of your friends.” Mostly so they have no one to warn them about you. This week, however, both Scorpios and Pluto go into existential retrograde all over again. Scorpios wonder why people say ‘love like you’ve never been hurt’ when love is nothing but your heart being smashed over and over and over again. Well, not this time. No, sir. The entire Scorpio zodiac group is done. Love ka Bootcamp has been closed for the season. You want a date? You mujhe ask karo.
Zodiac comroods: Aditi Mittal, Kaneez Surka, Karthik Kumar
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Aditi Mittal’s ‘Girl Meets Mic‘
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Check your chakras, Sagis. Your usual optimistic and good-humoured nature is at risk with a romantic partner who’s just discovered their love language at their last therapy session. Afsos! While you want words of affirmation, they need acts of service. Try coming to a compromise with quality time because physical touch isn’t on the cards for you this week. If you’re still looking to lock someone down, answer that booty call you swore you wouldn’t. Aaj ki date mein sachhe pyaar ki pehli seedi hai casual sex.
Zodiac comfrades: Prashasti Singh, Amit Tandon, Azeem Banatwalla, Neville Shah
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Azeem Banatwalla’s ‘Problems’
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Practical and prudent, a smart birth sign that recognises that the words “I like you” and “so I’m never going to see you again” are the real match made in heaven. The cards show a potential setback in your friends-with-benefits situation, when you inevitably wonder out loud if this person who’s been right in front of you the whole time, sexting and not getting involved, is The One? Hosh mein aao, Capri! Hit the gym or an open mic and take a different kinda weight on your shoulders. At least those have a chance of ending well.
Zodiac comstrades: Atul Khatri, Biswa Kalyan Rath, Sahil Shah, Kanan Gill
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Kanan Gill’s ‘Keep It Real’
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
If you’re already in a relationship, prepare for a week of breaking up, making up, breaking up and making up again. If you’re not in a relationship, expect the same, only they won’t know it’s happening aur hum kaagaz bilkul nahin dikhayenge. Other wildly frustrating activities to try this week: waiting for Delhi’s election results, wondering how they de-seed custard apples to make natural ice-cream, and watching Jose Covaco ruin songs for you forever.
Zodiac commireds: Varun Grover, Jose Covaco
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Anirban Dasgupta’s web series, Afsos on Amazon Prime Video
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Can’t decide what to eat, what to wear, or who to date? Your best bet this week is to confuse everyone else around you too. Tell them you want to meet for dinner, but show up at lunch. Tell them you’re taking them for a spoken word performance, but drive straight to a comedy show. Tell them you love them, then immediately block their number. Keep them guessing, keep them on their toes, and enter the next week with overconfidence.
Zodiac comraids: Rohan Joshi, Abish Mathew
Here’s a distraction:
Comedy special you can watch instead: Rohan Joshi’s ‘Wake n’ Bake’
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