Oh, you had a crush on me many years ago?? I am so turned on by how long it took you to gather the strength to tell me. Please, I must have you, you delicate flower.

— Chelsea Lockwood (@chelsealockw00d) March 3, 2020

How are we supposed to put on a mask if we can’t touch our face

— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) March 7, 2020

if i was on love is blind:

GUY: i have the runs

ME: that makes me happy

GUY: will u be my wife

ME: Yes

— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) March 5, 2020

A smilie for women’s day!
:₹

— Jeeya Sethi (@JeeyaDhadkDhadk) March 3, 2020

I guess being alive right now is just your heart playing whack-a-mole with things to despair of????

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 6, 2020

please give up genocide also https://t.co/pCge0e1ZgX

— Urooj Ashfaq 🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳 (@uroojashfaqq) March 2, 2020

Every morning I wake up and then it’s off to the races to tell people my feelings

— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 4, 2020

Love songs make you cry even more when you have nobody to associate them with

— Urjita Wani (@WaniUrjita) March 6, 2020

wow i don't know about super tuesday but hand sanitizer is having a hell of a year

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 4, 2020

Me and my ex: pic.twitter.com/cjzu1N6BKv

— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) March 5, 2020

It's Women's Day, so switching to Jai Mata Di from Jai Shree Ram

— Agrima Joshua🇮🇳 (@Agrimonious) March 8, 2020

I’ve actually been self-isolating since 2006 when I pretended to take an important call at break time and my phone rang during it 💕

— Lazy Susan (@lazysusan) March 5, 2020

If only YES bank had said NO to some people…. https://t.co/pmCS86XwUF

— Anu Menon (@ExLolaKutty) March 5, 2020

just found out that when someone says they're sending you thoughts and prayers they're not legally obligated to think and pray nice things?!!

— maura quint (@behindyourback) March 6, 2020

Just found a rotten tangerine in my backseat if you wanted to know what having it all looks like

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) March 7, 2020

Apocalyptic movies never include the part about how the pre-zombies didn’t have paid sick leave

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) March 6, 2020

Fyrefest is still on tho https://t.co/HJEhKCGyoP

— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) March 6, 2020

Ladies, find a man who smiles at you like you're the traffic cop writing his challan.

— Kajol Srinivasan (@LOLrakshak) March 8, 2020