The week isn’t done yet, but we’re calling it. Anubhav Singh Bassi’s struggle with the fitness journey he’s trying to embark on (but not really, but ok maybe, but no) came to us in a rant so relatable we had to lie down.

Inspired by everyone’s fitness videos on social media, ya boi got himself a personal trainer! Only to immediately regret it. His trainer suggested a mix of diet and exercise, which was fine with Bassi till he also suggested six meals a day (“main ghoda thodi hoon bh******d!”), and swapped out his staples—whiskey, Maggi, chhole bhature—for muesli and fruit (which he hasn’t eaten in so long he missed the evolution of grapes, they come with seeds now?). Denial and anger out of the way, Bassi arrives at the third stage of grief: negotiations—how about I exercise for one day, and then diet next day?/how about 1-2 abs instead of all 6? When his trainer won’t allow him his personal odd-even rule, Bassi moves to depression, acceptance, and finally finds meaning perched on an exercycle.

But if that hasn’t got your attention, watch this just to see Bassi call a kiwi “raeeson ka chiku.”