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Don't Try This at Home: Dating Advice From Standup Comedians

By Maanya Sachdeva 14 February 2020

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Before you write this piece off as “more Valentine’s Day mumbo-jumbo to help single people feel less sorry for themselves”, give it a chance. While it may look like aforementioned mumbo-jumbo from afar, if you read between the lines, perspective begins to manifest. More precisely? Perspective peppered with humour. And if that isn’t just what you need to make it through YET ANOTHER Valentine’s Day with no date, we don’t know what is.

Scroll through for actually helpful and non-preachy love and dating advice from these relatable-max standup comedians.

1. “Love can make you stupid but in the end it’s all worth it.” – Jeeya Sethi

2. “It’s a dating app and you’re supposed to date people. You don’t go to Starbucks and tell them “Hey, I’m not here for coffee. If this is what you’re thinking, then fuck off. Yahaan pe chole bhature chahiye humein.” – Rajnish Kumar on Tinder users who are “just here to be friends and to chat”.

3. “It’s nice that we thank people for being in our lives, but I think we should also be able to earnestly thank people for leaving us because what a world of difference that makes.” – Urooj Ashfaq

4. “If a popular college fest with (a) lot of money can ask you to judge/perform for free, then you can ask your crush out too.” – Joel D’Souza

5. “Some other girl sees you in a bar and she’s like, “Hey! What a cute guy! Oh shit, smooth nose.” – Kanan Gill on how to find out if your crush has a girlfriend (checking his nose for blackheads, of course)

6. “Aap kya karo- aap aapka mooh mein mint daalo. Aur aapko unko pappi do. Aur jab aap pappi do, apna mint unke mooh daalo. ARREY baap re mera mentos aapke mooh mein hai. Koi baat nahin, aap khao.” – Kaneez Surka on how to kiss someone who has bad breath.

7. “I know modern dating is way more complicated than before but we also have more freedom than anyone’s ever had. If we use it well and keep our spirits and standards high, then maybe one day it’ll work out. Yes, I know that statement makes no objective sense but neither does the assertion that ‘It’ll never work out’. Both are equally baseless from a logic perspective so why not latch on to the nicer thought? The thought that maybe one day, the universe will notice and it will give in and whisper in our direction those powerful magic words, ‘hey u up?’” – Ashish Shakya from his blog “A Mostly Unhelpful Guide To Modern Dating”

8. “’The One’ is just a person who at that moment in time is well-equipped to deal with your personality flaws.” – Tanmay Bhat

9. Aakash Mehta’s four standard rules for online dating are 1) “As a guy, your job on Tinder is not to get matches; it is to hope. Bas. Shayad yeh wali, shayad yeh wali, shayad yeh wali.” 2) “Aukaad mein rehne ka.” 3)“Do not judge your self-esteem by an app. Don’t let other people decide how you feel about yourself. 4) “This is more of a life tip – I think you should be grateful for the things you have.”

10. “Best feeling ever but romantic love is a scam. “Love” lasts about 3 months MAX, after that it’s a conscious decision to “Love” someone – Aditi Mittal on how it feels to fall in love.

11. “Contrary to other advice-givers, I think it’s fine to text your ex. As long as you don’t expect replies. Get whatever you want out of your system so you can move on. When you are ready to move on, you’ll automatically stop.”- Kunal Rao aka Agony Uncle on how to stop texting your ex.

12. “It’s not about how conventionally attractive you are, it’s about finding someone as unconventionally attractive as you.”- Daniel Fernandes on how important is it to be physically attractive in the conventional sense for dating.

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