We’ve all been there. The phone dings and you pick it up excitedly hoping it’s a match from one of the many dating services you’ve signed up for. But what is it? A promotional offer from one of the food apps that you’re going to use because you’re sad and want some ice cream now. But you’re not alone. We believe that if any of these sitcom characters had a dating profile, they would meet the same fate. Read on!

Ted Mosby

About Me: I’m probably going to tell you I love you on the first date. And commit a felony to prove it. I dare you to tell me you like the guitar at Hard Rock Cafe. You’re going to have it in your living room in less than an hour.

Interests: Umbrellas, encyclopediae, pronouncing encyclopediae

Ross Geller

About Me: Trust me, I’m not hung up on my ex. I’m just really bad with names. So if I call you Rachel while we’re out for dinner or in bed, please don’t freak out, yeah?

Interests: Fossils, Leather pants, Unagi

Dwight Schrute

About Me: Manure. Do you know about it? No? That’s going to be our first date then. We’re going to learn all that there is to learn about dung. Animal feces. Manure.

Interests: Beets, Bears, Battlestar Galactica

Leslie Knope

About Me: Expect me to come with a binder to decide the flow of the date. I don’t like spontaneity. There’s also going to be a to-do list. And at the end we’ll decide who wins. See you at the waffle house?

Interests: Joe Biden, Lil Sebastian, Sugar

Rosesh Sarabhai

I’ll tell you about my momma issues.
I’ll read you my poetry.
If I’m feeling it, I’ll also act for you.
Let’s have a great time, woopie!

Interests: Momma, Momma, Momma

Sheldon Cooper

About Me: Prepare to lose every argument. Expect zero physical contact, condescending remarks and only sci-fi references. Man-child who only dresses in superhero t-shirts. Before you ask, yes. My mother had me tested.

Interests: Physics, Dungeons and Dragons, Belittling people

Carrie Bradshaw

About Me: I get paid to think about love and sex so whatever happens, I will write about you. I love shoes, my friends and brunch. For me, Vogue is literature and drinking a cosmopolitan counts as a balanced meal. I believe in true love and won’t settle for anything less than butterflies.

Interests: Shoes, Cosmopolitan, True love

Gina Linetti

About Me: The English language cannot fully capture the depths and complexity of my thoughts but since I have to say something here – Hi, I’m Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 emoji. My mother cried the day I was born because she knew she would never be better than me. Do you know how many basic bitches would kill for my personality?

Interests: Me, Myself, Being awesome

David Rose

About Me: I’m on day 2 of a panic attack. I’m more about the wine and less about the label. I would hardly call myself an expert on the subject, and by subject, I mean genuine human emotion. I strongly dislike fun group games and my weekend plans mostly include crying a bit and falling asleep early.

Interests: Scented candles, Expensive face creams, Wearing sweaters in the summer