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Yes, They’re Still A Thing: Predicting Golden Globes 2023 Winners So You Don’t Have To

By DA Staff 10 January 2023

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After a gap year, the rejuvenated Golden Globes are back, much like the protagonist of an Imtiaz Ali movie. You know, the ‘lost’ guy who takes a life altering trip at a place so beautiful, you will see Instagram influencers clamouring there immediately. GG seems to be the same at the moment. The comedy categories (especially in television) are well stacked with old favourites like Only Murders In The Building, Hacks, Barry and Abbott Elementary along with breakout shows like The Bear and Wednesday. The movies look great too and if the members of the HFPA are not just ghosts or a sausage with a face drawn on it (Tina Fey’s joke, not ours) then Everything Everywhere All at Once should win a lot of honours this year. 

On that note, we at DeadAnt decided to place our bets on who will win this year. Please note, the reasons/opinions given are more about the ~vibes~ than the technical aspects of *cinema*. Why are we doing this? Because it’s fun to predict stuff, even if it’s as senseless as weekly horoscopes. Now let’s begin: 

1. BEST ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE — MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Nominations:

Lesley Manville, Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris

Margot Robbie, Babylon

Anya Taylor-Joy, The Menu

Emma Thompson, Good Luck to You, Leo Grande

Michelle Yeoh, Everything Everywhere All at Once 

Predictions:

Tito Bob: Everything Everywhere All At Once deserves everything for giving us Crouching Tiger feels.  

Face of Panache: Michelle Yeoh for Everything Everywhere All At Once. This movie should firstly win all awards. Yeoh blew my mind! The last time I cried so much while watching anything featuring her was Memoirs Of A Geisha but that’s mainly because of how boring it was. I haven’t watched Mrs. Harris Goes To Paris, it sounds like a poem Rosesh Sarabhai would write.

Funky Bhaiya: Michelle Yeoh must win everything, everywhere all at once.

2. BEST ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE — MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Nominations:

Diego Calva, Babylon

Daniel Craig, Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery

Adam Driver, White Noise

Colin Farrell, The Banshees of Inisherin

Ralph Fiennes, The Menu

Predictions:

Tito Bob: If The Bansheees of Inisherin does not win, I’m going to be rowing with everybody.

Face of Panache: I love Daniel Craig as Benoit Blanc but 2022 belongs to Colin Farrell and his eyebrows. It’ll be a pity if he doesn’t win. His devastating performance in The Banshees of Inisherin is still making me cry, like 48 hours after I’ve watched the movie. 

Funky Bhaiya: Let the records show that I believe the best actor in a motion picture award is rightfully deserved by Adam Driver for his wonderful performance (and hair) in this movie I haven’t seen. 

3. BEST ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Nominations:

Quinta Brunson, Abbott Elementary

Kaley Cuoco, The Flight Attendant

Selena Gomez, Only Murders in the Building

Jenna Ortega, Wednesday

Jean Smart, Hacks

Predictions:

Tito Bob: Quinta Brunson has all my heart for giving me my much-needed mockumentary dose. It has been a while since we got a good one and she played the character so well. Her performance also reminded me of when I used to try to keep a classroom full of 2nd graders in order. 

Face of Panache: Quinta all the way! I’ll be okay if Jean Smart gets it too but if Wednesday wins anything I’ll start a boycott campaign against the Golden Globes on Twitter, that show is mediocre at best. 

Funky Bhaiya: Imagine the scenes if I pick someone other than Quinta Brunson after the others’ entries. Jenna Ortega and a bag of popcorn for me please, we’re manifesting a Shreemi Twitter meltdown today.

4. BEST ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Nominations:

Donald Glover, Atlanta

Bill Hader, Barry

Steve Martin, Only Murders in the Building

Martin Short, Only Murders in the Building

Jeremy Allen White, The Bear

Predictions:

Tito Bob: This is a tough one. Sure, The Bear was brilliant and we got to see Joel McHale channel his inner a-hole after Community. But when I see Bill Hader on any nominee list, all sense and objectivity flies out of the window. He also deserves it to keep a straightface around NoHo Hank.

Face of Panache: Yeah, I watched The Bear for the plot, the plot was Jeremy Allen White’s forearms. Okay but seriously, The Bear was easily one of the greatest shows (if not the best shows) of 2022 and White deserves all the love, accolades and thirst coming his way. 

Funky Bhaiya: Without a doubt, this one has to go to Bill Hader and the goodwill he’s still got for his cameo performance at the beginning of Pineapple Express.

5. BEST TELEVISION SERIES – MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Nominations:

Abbott Elementary

The Bear

Hacks

Only Murders in the Building

Wednesday 

Predictions:

Tito Bob: This one goes to The Bear. I mean, who doesn’t like a good underdog story? It was also great to see Jeremy Allen White in all his brooding glory after Shameless. Last and most importantly, great music. We all know that’s all people want in a TV show.

Face of Panache: This is really, really tough but I think The Bear should (and will) win it. Why will it win? Because excuse me, I’m an expert and also because I’ve seen enough lists by legit critics who have called it the top show of 2022. 

Funky Bhaiya: What goes on in your head when you use eenie-meenie-minie-moe to pick between equally unknown options, and then you decide to go with something other than what the song ends with? On an unrelated note, I pick Abbott Elementary.

6. BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – MUSICAL, COMEDY OR DRAMA TELEVISION SERIES

Nominations:

Elizabeth Debicki, The Crown

Hannah Einbinder, Hacks

Julia Garner, Ozark

Janelle James, Abbott Elementary

Sheryl Lee Ralph, Abbott Elementary

Predictions:

Tito Bob: Ava Coleman seems like the kind of person who would celebrate Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle’s Treat Yo’ Self Day. Janelle James knows exactly how to steal a scene. She gives you those Kramer (Seinfeld) or Charlie (It’s Always Sunny) moments that stick with you and make you want more. 

Face of Panache: Janelle James as Ava Coleman is the best thing to happen on television, even the other nominees will agree. Elizabeth Debicki was quite disappointing as Diana in this season of The Crown in my humble opinion. Hannah Einbinder was fantastic in Hacks too but she’s unlucky to be in the same category as Janelle James. 

Funky Bhaiya: It always sucks when two people from the same show get nominated and one wins, because the camera will always pan to capture the loser’s reaction. Then of course there’s all this misplaced anger and resentment that comes with losing the Golden Globe to a co-worker, insecurities about salaries, whether you’re going to be cut, whether you were ever really even good enough to make it on the big stage etc., and god forbid you let something slip at the awards function and make your co-worker’s moment all about yourself in a horribly cringey shitshow. For that reason, Sheryl Lee Ralph, Abbott Elementary.

7. BEST ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – MUSICAL, COMEDY OR DRAMA TELEVISION SERIES

Nominations:

John Lithgow, The Old Man

Jonathan Pryce, The Crown

John Turturro, Severance

Tyler James Williams, Abbott Elementary

Henry Winkler, Barry

Predictions:

Tito Bob: In what was probably my favourite show of the year also came my favourite performance, John Turturro plays Irving (who would be absolutely insufferable to work with irl) with such earnesty. There’s also the Coen Brothers bias that comes in when I’m talking about this actor. 

Face of Panache: Quite random to put Severance in this category, but I’d pick John Turturro even if I’m mostly in love with Tyler James Williams from Abbott Elementary. This season of The Crown was devastatingly boring, I don’t think it should win any award. Also, I have a soft spot for Turturro because his name kinda sounds like something Udit Narayan or Kumar Sanu would sing in the middle of a ‘90s Bollywood song – turu turu ru ru ruuu.

Funky Bhaiya: Henry Winkler somehow makes a self-important, washed up actor one of the most endearing characters and a father figure to all. Someone give Sanjay Dutt this guy’s number. 

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DA Staff

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